If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
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A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word