Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Me irl

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score