If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
