If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna