If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
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Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
back to work
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy