If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
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I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
It’s the weekend y’all
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.