Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

Noted.

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.