Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

how much does a mortician urn in a year

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation