If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
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Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now