If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
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Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Mission: Impossible
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.