If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
This is the one
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
