If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
You Might Also Like
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)