Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

This is the best one I’ve seen

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

Money is the root of all wealth

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.