Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Pro tip for my good boys out there

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

If I ignore life will it go away?

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good