if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
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BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts