Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i want enemies

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

when someone rings the doorbell

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.