If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
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theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup