If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Grandpa
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I unironically love this joke.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD