If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
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How to woo a woman
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.