If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
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If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
this will hang in the louvre one day
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
📽️movie date🎞️
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet