Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

I don’t get marriage

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

The opposite of goth is stopth.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.