If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Okay, I’m still confused…
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u