Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.