Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.