Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.