If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
me after eating Cheetos
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for