If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Get in loser we’re going crying
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.