Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”