Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

your honor my client chooses dare

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

dril cadence

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

what’s more important?

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.