Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Rooting for the overdog

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

“That’s what” – She

WTF IS THAT!

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OMG DAD WAT?
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Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all