If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
yea so i messed up lol
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”