Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.