Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this