If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
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Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.