If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

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“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter


Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away


If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.


Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.


How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.


Horton hears a who
Horton hears a what
Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady

Horton is listening to Eminem


Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.


I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.


This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.