@GorillaNipples1

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

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@pleatedjeans

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

@Book_Krazy

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

@Ideal_Victoria

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

@onume_

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

@Tharin_P

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

@SatansTongue

Horton hears a who
Horton hears a what
Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady

Horton is listening to Eminem

@Zombie_Kitv2

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

@Grommit56

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

@AGreaterMonster

This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.