If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

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Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.


ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god


God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?




God: *creates dogs*


“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]


The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.


I love waking up next to you, I say as I roll over and gently kiss my bag of Doritos


Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-


Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.


Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail


Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.