If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
this is the most humiliating day of my life
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Dammit Chief not again
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
we’re dead?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting