@TheHatdog

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

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@gramnoc

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

@kendragaylord

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

@genehunter1

My Christian friend asked 4 proof there is no God.nnI pointed out Adam Sandler is a multimillionaire movie starnnNow my friend’s an atheist

@williamwanton

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

@ScaryMommy

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

@WolfpackAlan

If I had a twin that was like 5 mins younger than me I would always say ‘when I was your age’ and proceed to tell them what I did 5 mins ago

@continentlbkfst

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

@OakHill_

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

@NotJPo

Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.