If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
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Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]