Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

You deplete me

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.