Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

🤣

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?