Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

me after drinking all the wine:

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

Quadruple digit IQ

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

twitter users today:

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.