Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work