If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
