@TEXASVETERAN
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
@ibid78
If you watch the Game of Thrones backwards a family overcomes near death experiences to reunite happily in a castle (plus dragons shrink).
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@TEXASVETERAN
@KKAlThani
Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.
@OneFunnyMummy
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
@TheBigBatman
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
@Smooheed
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
@prufrockluvsong
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
@Shot_Of_Cabo
The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.
@BruceForce
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
@DrakeGatsby
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
@ArfMeasures
COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment