I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Clients after you give them your rates
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.