[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I didn’t come here to be called names
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁