Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs