If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
is this a warning or an offer?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
New comic up. “Ransom”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.