Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.