If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.


Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?


Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.


I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it


Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.


[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.


I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.


Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.


Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!