@Reverend_Scott

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

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@weinerdog4life

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

@ArfMeasures

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

@david8hughes

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

@squirrel74wkgn

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

@curlycomedy

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

@Gre_Gone

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”