If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
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i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
buying dead houseplants to save time
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
How to draw a duck
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?