@Reverend_Scott

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

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@_Water_Baby

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

@mstluvstrinkets

Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@Geanina_26K

I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it

@DarlingNikki_12

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

@junejuly12

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

@Pundamentalism

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

@TraylorParker

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

@chudneyspears

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!