Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
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Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
This whole time I thought 50 Shades of Grey was a coloring book for dogs
ME: *gets down on one knee*
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
You ran a half-marathon? Wow! Half congratulations!
You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”