If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
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How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?