Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

I just tested negative for patience.

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.