If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
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🤣could you imagine
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
🌲😼
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.