if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
