Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Good lord