if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.