if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain![]()
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Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*![]()
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…