if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
So inspired right now.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?