If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
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[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.