If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
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Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
“I FIXED IT!”
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
That eye roll….
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about