Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

Nothing.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands