Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Storm Tropical Storm

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.