Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

Simple

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar