If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?