If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Roombas should bark
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Truly one of the great bangers
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.