If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread