Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.