Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice