Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
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ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.