If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
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building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
oppen heimer style lol
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.