If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”