if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
As a doctor, I can confirm
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth