if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
🤣🤣🤣
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Trumpy Cat
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.