if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The pasta is now
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.