if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.