if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Noah was an idiot.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
A decision was made here.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking