if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

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[At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?


Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.


I always said I’d never chase after a man, but the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking after one.


[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again


Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes


Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.


If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!


I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.