if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
🐕🍷
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Match dot com, but for socks.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this