Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.