If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.