8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.