If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
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The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
*limbos under the caution tape
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.