If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
weddings should have a worst man
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt